Knight in shining a(r)mour

I have a 'friend'...a very close friend who pulled my pig-tails but then did something very nice for me this evening. Like a school boy crush he teased me over the phone but then my power went out and after scaring the bezeezus out of me, he salvaged the potential wreck by being a perfect gentleman. 

I feel as though this particular friend lives in a constant state of conflict with our relationship. And as a result he often teeters on the fence of kindergarten crush, the lure of something new, and an old pal friendship (I realize a fence has only 2 sides but it's my blog and I'll have as many sides to the fence as I want). 

I too live in a state of conflict with our relationship because I have very little control over it, and I am a control freak...rephrase: it's less that I am a control freak and more that I do not handle conventional rules well and I like to manage my life and the events in my life. However, in this particular case I am not in control.  I have had relationships before with people who were unavailable either emotionally or physically and who were impervious to my awesome management skills. But those individuals did not relate to me the way this man does, I did not feel as close to them, as connected to them...I did not really care about them and I did not turn to them to satisfy or to  provide emotional strength, compassion, or wisdom. With this friend I find myself wanting (needing) that component. When something good happens I want to phone him, when something bad happens I want to phone him. But, more than likely I cannot do either. I could email if I am dying to talk but...that is not therapeutic enough, there is no immediate reward.  My only control comes in the form of protecting him from certain aspects of my life ( a girl has needs) that I feel would be simply unkind to share. This seems more negative (removal) than positive (addition).

I do not want nor do I intend to place any improper expectations or any unjust strain upon him. I do not want him to be anxious or uncomfortable. 

And I think he feels this too, because I get the sense (much of the time) that he is keeping me at arms length, not completely letting down his guard. Not relinquishing control, and making sure that he is managing this 'relationship'. I also think there are others like me who tempt him and that he is conflicted with them as well...torn between satisfying this curious side of himself and between being a good husband to a wife that I know he loves. 

So, I let him guide me through these waters...I myself succumb to the curiosity and to this peculiar relationship. And although I find myself waiting with baited breath for a phone call or an email, or anything that will satisfy the nagging sensation in the back of my mind (hearing his voice brings me perspective), I do not let it paralyze me. I continue on with my life, and wonder if anyone can see through me and clearly see this dirty little secret that I carry around at all times. 

So there you have it from inside a crazy girl's head at 2:30am, random thoughts about my knight in shining a(r)mour. 

False Grace