The cat came back...

C and D's day-O-fun is only a month (ish) away. I think...I am not really sure which day it's happening. I mean, I know theoretically which day. But it's only going down if C can get a day away from work/home. So...there it is, a theoretical day-O-fun. 

So this begs the question...is a theoretical day-O-fun almost as good as a real day-O-fun? What happens to two people who have had a purely fantastical 'relationship' when they come face to face? Are they disappointed that the other does not resemble the fantasy partner they have imagined? Are they disappointed with the loss of illusion? Is it like going behind the scenes at Disneyland? Does the magic fizzle? Is it like seeing KISS without their make-up on? Gene Simmons was far better looking before the make-up came off. Some of us don't look the same as we did in high school thighs and asses have grown larger, wrinkles have grown deeper, age has set in.

The idea scares me. 

The idea scares me for many reasons. I cherish this relationship, I know that it has its limits but I enjoy the candidness and the openness and the trust that this limited relationship has grown into. I don't want to lose that. As well I fear that if the illusion is gone then what it is that I have to offer also disappears. In other words, my concern is that all  have to offer to maintain the interest of my limited relationship partner IS the fantasy. Once the fantasy is gone does the interest fade? Should we risk it?

I want to. I want to risk it so badly. I want to roll into town, meet my partner and have a fun carefree day and night together (and by night, I don't necessarily mean bow chica wow woww) no time constraints, no limits, just a relaxing and rewarding day for two old friends together. 

But...I worry. A lot. I worry that all I have to offer is wrapped up in the imagination of my partner, and that the reality of me won't live up to fantasy. 

So, is a theoretical day-O-fun better than a real day-O-fun? My heart says no but my head worries that if his fantasy dies that weekend then I will forever regret it. 

Perhaps my insecurities have taken over but, is there more to me than being the 'girl who got away'...

New phone number version 2.0

D wishes that someone would check his email and let her know if he got her message about her new phone number so that she can stop obsessing about it.

Also wishes that she would not care quite so much.

Married to a boy and a girl

OK, so I am pretty sure that there is a polygamist family living across the street from me. Or maybe I have just watched too many episodes of BigLove...no, no, I am pretty sure there is a plural family right outside my door. 

I say this not in judgment...because I don't really think it's a bad idea. I mean if not for all the garbage religious overtones..I could totally get into a plural marriage. I get it. It makes sense to me. 

What a great cooperative environment to raise your family in, the wives would have built in friends and confidants. They would not have to bug their husband to talk with them or satisfy the emotional side of them because they would do that for each other. The wives would take turns sleeping with the husband and having alone time with him, otherwise it would be a collaborative biosphere. 

So...I have been spying on these people and trying to get a glimpse into their world to figure it out. And the most ironic thing occurred to me. People who practice polygamy do so in secret, they must hide it from friends, family, and the law. Because it is not thought to be an appropriate lifestyle choice and it is illegal to marry more than one person at a time. And here I am, an outsider who totally 'gets it' and does not judge at all...I mean I actually kind of like the idea. Yet, because of the fundamentalist beliefs that led them to that lifestyle, they would judge me! And not approve of me, and think that I was going to hell, and they would look down with condescension and condemnation on me! The one person who in no way judges them...they would judge me! Isn't that ironic?! 

searchin' for that lost shaker of salt

Today I miss my life in Edmonton. 

I am putzing around my house...not doing much. And all I can think of is what I would be doing if I wasn't here. Don't get me wrong I want to be here, I chose to be here, and I do know people here but...some days I miss the ease of my old life. The ease of just walking over to Kris's house for an iced tea and a chat on her front steps, the ease of calling Chad, Ben, Cass, Brit, Jenn, Chris, Nicole, etc...to go for lunch, to go to the market downtown, to go to the fringe, to go get a huge iced coffee and sit on a bench on Whyte watching people go by...

The ease of doing nothing with nobody in particular.

I miss watching tv with Desi over the phone, I miss the ease of sitting in Lynne's living room and rockin' out to Rock Band struggling to time sips of a beer with breaks on the song. I miss hanging with Nicole and Chris at pub quiz and music trivia. I miss late night text-athons with Chris and his dry wit making my laugh uncontrollably. I miss unexpected giant hugs and dry humping from Chad. I miss the quiet calm and hug that always lasts a little too long from Dan. 

I miss the festivals, the Fringe, Taste of Edmonton, Gay Bingo, Drag shows, The great Sweet Potato Fry challenge, The rape walk, man diaper, and drinks on a patio that started as just two of us but easily grew to 20. And Vietnamese and Thai food Tuesday. 

I miss Kris's huge laugh and unbelievably loud shreik, I miss Nicole's uber geekiness and willingness to try anything. I miss Chris's agreement with me and our frustration over the lack of understanding of elementary grammar basics that seem to plague society today. I miss Chad challenging me and making me really think about my arguments, I miss Ben and his dorky laugh and his great smile and his fancy dancing.

 I miss the ease of doing nothing but doing everything, with nobody in particular, but with everybody special.

I have an almost impossible time not interjecting when I overhear people talking and they are completely wrong. I realize that I am the inappropriate party…the one who is eavesdropping and who was not invited to the conversation to begin with, however, in my heart I feel that not correcting them is akin to agreeing with them and THAT is irresponsible on my behalf.

So…today sitting in the cafeteria I overheard two individuals talking about pedophiles. On a side note: They were referring to them as sexual predators a term that I take great offense to because pedophiles do not WANT to be sexually attracted to young children, they did not choose to be sexually attracted to children, it is a mis-wiring in their brain and they no more want to behave this way than we want them to…and to demonize them using such negative terminology makes the rehabilitation process even more difficult.

I guess that wasn’t a total side point, because that really is the subject of my frustration today. These individuals sitting in the cafeteria were suggesting quite angrily that all pedophiles should be put to death…that they are all horrible and evil people and that they had no right to continue living on the earth.

I was shocked!

Clarification time:

Pedophilia: a psychological disorder whereby an adult has a sexual attraction to prepubescent children (or child)

Hebephilia: a psychological disorder in which and adult has a sexual attraction to a postpubescent child (a teenager, younger than the age of consent)

Child molestation: a crime committed by an individual who has touched an individual under the age of consent in a sexually inappropriate manner.

OK, so…back to the amateur judge and jury in the cafeteria. There I was, mouth agape mortified by the lack of understanding and condemnation I heard spewing from the mouths of these uninformed executioners. In Canada we do not kill people who have a diagnosed (or diagnosable) psychological disorder. Individuals suffering from pedophilia do not choose to have a sexual attraction to children. It is not as though they woke up this morning and thought to themselves…”you know I am just not satisfied enough with vanilla sex…I know how about I mix it up a little; anal…no, same sex…nah, oh oh oh how about a leather body suit…no that’s not it either. EUREKA! How about I become only aroused at the thought of young children…that’s sure to satisfy.”  ~~Note the sarcasm dripping from that last sentence~~

Seriously people, for real. People suffering from pedophilia are no different than people suffering from depression, anxiety, phobias, dissociative disorders…they have a glitch in their wiring. It can be fixed…it is difficult, but it can be done. One of the reasons it is so difficult is because of the stigma attached to it. People suffering are not very likely to seek help until it is too late…because they are demonized, labeled, and persecuted even though they have not committed any crime. It is not a crime to have thoughts in your head. It is only a crime to act upon those thoughts…but just like any compulsion, or any recurring thought that you just can’t seem to clear out of your brain…the longer that thought lives there…spins around, and you think about it and you think about it and you think about it…over and over and over. BAM! You are bound to act on it. Like when you have a craving and you can’t stop thinking about what you are craving…imagine having that for years…5,10,15 years…or more. Eventually. You are bound to act on it.  Who can walk into his or her doctor’s office and say, “y’know doc, I feel just fine but I can’t seem to stop thinking about diddling a little kid” NO ONE.

We don’t know exactly causes these thoughts, there is definitely an element of conditioning…learned behaviour But that is not the only cause, or trigger. Just like depression, anxiety, phobia, we don’t know the exact origin for each individual. But also like those disorders, we do know that it will not go away on it’s own. But how can the medical community provide help when idiots like the cafeteria judge and jury openly promote the execution of those afflicted with the disorder.  How can someone who is suffering from these thoughts openly communicate with a therapist, when they are demonized by the society at large?

And don’t even get me started on the fear the media puts out there about “internet predators” there is no increase in people suffering from pedophilia…it is just different. And…most of those individuals utilizing online sites are hebephiles, they have always existed…remember 100 years ago (Romeo and Juliette were 13, Scarlett O’Hara was 16, Pocahontas was 12 when she saved Captain Smith, The March sisters of Little Women fame were 16,15,13, &12) when we used to marry at age 12!  Men are hardwired to like youthfulness…it’s a sign and the best predictor of fertility, and the newer the female to puberty the less likely she’s been defiled by another male. This should make sense to use whether we like it or not…it’s less of a mis-wiring and more of a less willing to conform to Western society’s (relatively) new rules. UGH off track again! OK…perhaps rather than condemn and judge individuals suffering from pedophilia we should empathize, assist, and promote rehabilitation.

Stigma is a bitch; maybe one day the judges from the cafeteria will find out first hand what it is like to be stigmatized…and they will change their opinion towards help and rehabilitation rather than condemnation. But for now I shoot them the stink eye, struggle to keep my mouth closed and drool a little over Zac Ephron.